Concrete Angel

I want the new Blackberry Pearl so bad but I have to wait until June when my contract is up to get it at the reduced price! I want it now damn it. Does anyone have this phone? If so how do you like it?

If you won $100 this afternoon, what would you do with it?

I would go to the grocery and buy the groceries we need for the week that way I do not have to d it later this week.

So I took Kristanna to the emergency room last night because she had hives. I diagnosed her by myself by the way! I kept telling Ralph it was hives and kept saying that it was a bug bite, or scabies or something creepy like that. He is such a spaz when it comes to these types of things.
The bad part is we can't figure out what the hives are from. We have went over everything we have done for the past few days, and nothing is different from what we usually do. I f they continue I might have to take her to her regular doctor, but I hope that it's nothing too serious.

My car wouldn't start this morning because it was so cold. It took some urging but I finally got it to turn over. My car is only four years old so this worries me a little bit. It has been sitting in the garage since Tuesday morning. With all this snow I haven't gone anywhere.

I am around and doing great. School is taking up so much of my time now. I miss everyone from 1337. I hope you all will forgive me someday for abandoning you guys. Nothing much has changed. I'm happy, and semi-healthy.

I am still alive and doing well!

I just can't seem to find much time for the computer, other than to do my homework. I have even been ignoring 1337! Shame on me.

So I am feeling so overwhelmed right now that I am just gonna drop that math class a take it next quarter. It might be better for me to just take one class right now until I get the hang of this whole college thingy.

Class started yesterday. I sat in on the wrong class. My biggest fear about the whole thing came true. Of course, it wasn't my fault, but still very deflated about the whole college situation right now.

Life is good other than that. More updates when Ralph stops playing his game so damn much!

My back still hurts. It actually hurts worse then it did a week ago. I had an x-ray done and Friday I go for an MRI because the x-ray showed nothing. I eat vicodin like candy now. I can't move in the morning without taking a vicodin first. The people at work are noticing a big change in my personality because I am always in pain. Thank god most of them are understanding. The ones who don't understand are idiots, so I don't care if they understand or not. My Dr is still thinking it's a muscle pain, though she is not sure what is causing it. I just want to wake up in the morning and have no pain.

So Ralph made fun of me all night tonight because of something I did this morning. It was pretty funny though, but it's probably a "you had to be there" kind of funny. Bottom line...I need to get the alarm turned on so I don't have to worry about someone coming in the house after he leaves for work.

Work sucked ass today. Some people just can't keep their horrible lives to themselves, they have to bring everyone else down with them.

Went to the doctor early because the pain was so bad I couldn't stand it. She thinks it is still just my back hurting and not bladder/kidney problems. She put me on vicodin, which kind of help the pain, but just a little. Enough for me to do what I have to do without crying. She also wants me to have my back x-rayed, not sure if there is a point to that.

So I have this horrible pain in my side, right above my hip. It hurts everytime I move. I have a doctors appt. on Thursday. My doctor called me at work on Thursday to tell me she found four different types of bacteria in my urine. She put me on really strong antibiotics and I am wondering if this pain has something to do with the bacteria, if that makes any sense.

My mom must be sleeping her pain away right now. I haven't talked to her since Saturday morning. I am a little worried about her. I have tried to call, but she doesn't return my calls. I think I just need to talk to someone about everything, someone who understands the pain I feel right now. I am afraid to be alone. I am afraid that my mind will wonder and I will think about things I don't want to think about right now. I feel like there is a constant lump in my throat. I want this feeling to end. I wonder how long it is going to take to go away.

My grandma has always been a big part of my life. Some of the first and best memories I have are of her and I playing together. She would play with me until she was so tired she couldn't play anymore. As I was growing up I lived with her off and on. I have so many good memories of her, it's hard for me to remember all of them right now. Over the past few weeks I have been playing them over and over again in my head. She always had some funny saying, that I didn't always get, but I would pretend I did anyway. She tried her best to give me whatever I wanted. I would wake up on Saturday mornings and request pancakes, and she never let me down. Before bed at night she would pop us a very large bowl of popcorn and we would share it. Sometimes together, sometimes in seperate rooms. She was a hard headed woman. We had many, many arguments over the years. She was always quick to forgive me though.
These things, along with many others are what I am gonna miss the most. I think I am going to start writing each individual memory down, so that I will never forget them, although I don't think I could, even if I tried.

I love you Grandma and I miss you.

My grandma is in the hospital now. She has an infection that is causing her to run a high fever. The fever is making her delusional. I should have gone to visit her tonight, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I might go tomorrow. It seems as if she is going downhill pretty fast. I hope this isn't a continuing trend.

I finally got an appoinment with a dermatologist. It in the morning, so I might finally have some answers about what this crap is on my face.

I registered for my fall classes today...problem is that I missed the FAFSA deadline by one freaking day, and I just realized it! How in the hell did I manage this. I tried to find out if I can pay for the classes myself and then get reimbursed for it later on, but to no avail. If anyone knows the answer to this please fill me in, thanks!

So I took the test. It went alot smoother then I had imagined it would. It appears I really suck at math though. Oh well. I have been nervous about this test for almost a week, so getting it over with has helped.
Ralph was so great and took me there. He did this because he knew it would take some of the stress off of the whole situation. He is so awesome! I need to meet with an advisor to find out what classes I need to take to get me started. I also need to go to orientation to get my application for the program I want to take.

I hurt my back at the begining of this week. I hurt it pretty bad. The doctor says that I sprained it somehow, but I can't pinpoint exactly what did it. She put me on naproxen and darvasets(sp?). They help the pain, but really irritate my stomach. I have been trying not to take them, but sometimes the pain is so bad I can't stand it. Ralph has been helping me out so much because I can't lift anything over 5 pounds. He has just been amazing lately. He has been randomly giving me massages, which feel amazing! I love him.

Happy Birthday to my mother. She is 44 years old today.

I am getting ready to go and take my placement test this afternoon. Wish me luck!

We are having a bridal shower for Dr Cerny at Buca Di Beppos tongiht, that should be fun. I need to get my butt in gear because I still need to go and get a bow for her present and I need to wash my car. I just got out of the shower, but I don't feel like getting dressed. I am sitting here naked people, naked.
Speaking of naked...
Ralph told me that if I got back down to my pre-pregnancy weight and size he would buy me a whole new wardrobe. Whatever I wanted! I am so excited about this, I just hope that this finally gives me enough motivation to do it.

I can be such a ditz sometimes. I really do amaze myself. I was cleaning the fish tank last night and was doing a 100% water change because it really needed it. The fish is usually really scared of my hand so I just hold my hand while I am dumping the water out and he stays in the tank. Well he freaked out and jumped out of the tank and right down the drain. I swear it took me 2 minutes to try and think what to do. I was thinking I should just turn on the disposal and put him out of his misery, but I couldn't bring myself to do that. I finally just stuck my hand down the drain to see if I could rescue the little guy. I was screaming at Ralph to get the flashlight(which I don't remember). When we did get the flashlight and looked down the drain the fish was just sitting there, really calm, waiting for me to save his little life. I got him out safely and put him in the bowl of clean water. He acted like nothing had happened, of course he may have not realized he almost got chopped into little pieces. I started bawling, Ralph was laughing at me. I was so relieved. I don't care if it is a stupid little fish, I am very attached to him. I would have never forgiven myself if I had turned on the garbage disposal.

Trust is a big deal with me, if you don't have trust in any kind of relationship, you have NOTHING!

Why does everyone demand so much of my time. Everything I want to do gets put on a backburned because what everyone else wants is so much more important. I do this to myself, I know, but it is still frustrating. All I want to is go tanning, that's it. The babysitter has to pick up her son from work...oh wait, no she doesn't it's Thursday! Too bad I have screwed around on here for too long, and now it's too late. I will try and do it after work, but Ralph wants me to go and get him saline for his contacts, which for some reason can't wait until tomorrow? I also have to pick up mac and cheese to go with the dinner I bought yesterday to make but couldn't cause Ralph wanted sandwiches. I also have to be back to the babysitters by 8 because she finds it hard to spend time with her new boyfriend if I don't. So I will probably put the tanning thing on hold, for today.